The Power of True Intimacy

“I feel it not only opened my eyes, but in a way, it also confirmed my feelings of emptiness. I always thought something was wrong with me, I wondered why I didn't enjoy intimacy with my spouse. This theory showed me it was because it wasn't being intimate. In fact, the last 18 years was just purely sex and the emptiness was because I wasn't being fulfilled in the way God intended.”

- BB

“Before D-Day if I was asked "What is intimacy in marriage?" l would have said "Sex". This was what had been taught to me, but I knew something seemed amiss. Now through the recovery process and learning about the Skinner Model of Intimacy my views have changed. I see how I was living in a misconception of true intimacy. I didn't really know my husband or have the foundation needed for intimacy. This model for intimacy has been a game changer for our marriage by providing direction and hope!”

- Anonymous

"My views of sex and intimacy have changed drastically in the last nine months. I was raised in the legalistic church to think of, and view sex as made for men, to be given (when married) whenever the man desired. In regards to intimacy, I related it directly to sex, therefore if I was having sex then I was ‘being’ intimate. Throw porn and betrayal into the mix, coupled with religious trauma, and we had a recipe for disaster when it came to real intimacy.

We began marriage counseling, personal therapy, as well as attendance in a sexual recovery and betrayal group about nine months ago, and as a result my views of intimacy have forever changed. Incorporating the concept of Skinner’s model of true intimacy (with guidance from all of the above), my husband and I have begun building a relationship of mutual trust, honesty, loyalty and commitment. Coupled with that, we’ve learned to step back from sex as a tool, began earnestly seeking the Lord separately and together and learned how to communicate our feelings. We’ve gone for walks, had various talks, made dinners together, and started up family ice skating lessons.

The time together has solidified the psychological intimacy pillars, and we have worked our way up to sexual intimacy when we both feel secure, loved, trusted, and spiritually bonded.
My marriage has begun to thrive as a result, because even through difficult situations, arguments, and other trials, we know we have the tools to work through it and will do it together, and that has indeed begun the process of bringing us to true intimacy apart from sex alone."

- RS

“I first remember seeing this diagram when I was in counseling with Jeremy with my now ex-husband. At the time I thought, “yeah, that makes sense (sort of).” When actually I didn’t really have a true sense of what it meant. Fast forward approx 6+ years… After doing intense therapy as a now single woman in her late 50’s for trauma which I thot I didn’t have from childhood, but knew I had from my marriage, this chart finally makes sense as a whole. If you TRULY understand this that means you have done some intense work, EMDR perhaps, and now completely identified SELF LOVE at its core!! What an awesome feeling it is!!”

- LM

“Before my recovery journey, sex was the "ultimate goal". If there were problems, it was always filtered through the lens of sex, not intimacy. I now realize that deep down my root desire was for intimacy, not sex. Sex may be physical intimacy, but knowing and being known is ultimate intimacy.”

- Anonymous