What makes a good counselor? Things I wish I would have known

DeAnn spent decades looking for help on her journey to overcome betrayal trauma.  Her experience is a clear warning to couples in the recovery journey.  With great courage, she has chosen to share part of it with you.  Read what she wishes she would have know about counselors back in the beginning.

Thank you again DeAnn for your courage and vulnerability!

Jeremy Smith, Professional Counselor & Teacher, Marriage Recovery Specialist

Our first marriage counselor was a good man. He loved the lord, his wife, family and church but he was not a good counselor. He was working on his PhD in therapy.  It was the 90s and sex addiction was a burgeoning field.

I do not begrudge our counselor. He did what he was trained to do and used a “mid-life crisis” diagnosis to address my husband’s twenty-nine-year struggle. It was not a mid-life crisis. He was struggling with sex and love addiction. It would not be until November 2018, 26 years later, when we found a wonderful counselor.

Just a few months prior, I remember storming out of a different counselor’s office, one who lectured me on how well my spouse was doing and couldn’t understand why I was still struggling. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had had enough! Granted my husband was doing well, but the counselor’s lack of training in betrayal trauma, sex addiction plus family systems crippled our progress. We had been married almost 30 years by that point. I had a lot of damage due to staggered disclosure. I needed help making sense of the confusion and conflicting stories. I needed a trained professional and so did my husband. 

Our painful journey took us through seven counselors, and we were going nowhere fast. It didn’t have to be that way. 

Do you know what I learned about good therapy? A counseling degree doesn’t mean therapists know what they are doing or that they are emotionally healthy. Many counselors aren’t emotionally healthy themselves. Add the lack of training and it’s a ripe place for bad methods and interactions. This can  cause more damage than good.

So, what makes a good counselor? Here’s what I’ve come to conclude:

They’ve worked on themselves first. They’ve been trained and educated in the most effective models in the field. They know how to create a treatment plan that serves the entire system and they stick to it. They understand the latest research, teach skill sets and coach those skill sets repeatedly. 

Here are some good things to ask when looking for a good, trained therapist.

• What treatment models do you use?
• What certifications do you have?
• Who are some of your favorite professionals working in this field? 
• What books, podcasts and other resources do you often recommend for this issue?

How they answer these questions can be a clue on their professional depth. Do your own research and don’t be afraid to ask them hard questions. If they aren’t willing to get trained and aren’t up to date, do yourself a favor and don’t go to them. 

The sad fact of the matter is good counselors are a small subset of this professional world. 

The Marriage Recovery Course is a good place to start. Not a pitch, just personal experience with a good counselor highly equipped, trained, educated and has done his own work to become emotionally healthy. 

This is what I wish I would have known when I started almost 35 years ago. 

DeAnn

Journalist. Blogger. Mom. Recovering betrayed partner. Information gatherer.