True Victim 

Cambridge & Collins dictionaries define a victim as someone who has "suffered because of the actions of another."  

Those who experience Intimate Partner Betrayal are true victims, as they have no power over the sexual choices of their partner and thus are in no way responsible for the betrayal.

Those who experience church trauma or religious abuse are similarly true victims, as they have no control over the misuse of power in their religious community.

Initially embracing the label of "victim" is a healthy and necessary place to start.  However, persistently viewing oneself as a victim is a costly mistake.

Victim Mindset

While victimhood is predicated upon powerlessness over others, what remains unaffected is power over self.

After betrayal trauma, victims can easily loose sight of their power of choice and self-efficacy.  As a result, they often allow their sense of powerlessness to extend beyond it's true limits. 

This is in part due to the psychological effects of PTSD, which rewire the brain's perception of safety and control, and in part due to thought patterns predating the trauma, now exacerbated by betrayal.

Left uncorrected, these effects begin to create a victim mindset (distinct from the actual victim experience) that influence the way a person interprets their entire world.

Those caught in the victim mindset are sometimes described as "playing the victim," which often comes from a desire to diffuse personal responsibility and justify one's (maladaptive) coping strategy. 

Becoming A Survivor

So how can you be a true victim without succumbing to the victim mindset?

The answer is to become a survivor.

To become a survivor of betrayal trauma, you must embrace powerlessness over your spouse's sexual choices, while simultaneously embracing total responsibility for your responses to them.

It requires accepting your experience as a true victim without getting stuck there.

Oxford and Cambridge dictionaries describe a survivor as one who "copes well with difficulties in their life" and "is able to continue living their life successfully despite experiencing difficulties"

Coping well and living successfully after betrayal trauma is complex work, but when done well, can help you not just survive, but flourish!

Your Choice

Ultimately, it comes down to a choice... will you get stuck in the victim mindset, blaming others for your continued pain?

Or will you take full responsibility for your healing journey?

Embracing the survivor mindset means learning to "cope well" and "live successfully"... even after betrayal.

Countless women have made the transition from victim to survivor... some have even learned how to flourish!

Hear two of them share their journeys in this free interview:

Watch Now: Victim to Survivor

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