My New Friend, Arousal

The following is a poem written by a betrayed woman as she began to discover healthy sexuality for the first time in her marriage... sexuality the way God intended, unperveted by the distortions of pornography and religious abuse... safe, connected, edifying, secure... the FRUIT of genuine intimacy.

After completing a Celibacy Period, she and her husband leveraged their newfound understanding of safety and relationship intimacy, not to be confused with sex, to create an entirely new dance around sexuality in their marriage.  Together they experienced something neither had known before D-Day or their recovery journeys.

Thank you, Stephanie, for sharing the beauty of what you discovered as you "met your new friend, arousal."

Arousal

I learned quickly as a young bride
that my arousal was a thing to be hunted;
an illusive, tiny thing.  Quick and fleeting,
it must be chased, conquered, used,
then released. It's the only way
to be a good wife.  He needs release
and he can’t enjoy sex if you
don’t enjoy sex, so just sacrifice and
enjoy it, dammit.

 My lessons came
between the lines of casual
conversations, sermons, books.
Couched and shrouded, hinted at
but plain as the
shame I carried on my shoulders;
heavy and real and invisible.
My problem arousal is the solution,
and it was on me to figure out.

But then

 a crashing, breaking, disaster
cracked us open
cracked me open
and allowed my desire to be
seen and known
healed and whole
to crawl out into the light.

 I am learning new lessons
by sitting in the pain
of years of unmet longings.
And I am meeting my new friend,
She was there all along.
Arousal: the wild and wonderful,

The untamed and vast.