This is the final post in our series "Is There Hope for Porn Addiction." In prior posts, I shared three crucial way-points needed to exit the woods of addiction, which were Define the Goal, You Can't Do It Alone and Only the Best Resources.

In this post, I'll share the final way-point, which carries the highest stakes for the future of your marriage... Include Your Spouse.

Let's complete your recovery map with this last way-point and get you "out of the woods!"

4. Include your spouse

The thought of revealing a porn addiction to a spouse can be terrifying, especially if there’s a history of denial and deception. The shame of unwanted sexual behavior often forces addicts to “keep up appearances” in order protect their own insecurities, but at the expense of their spouse’s well-being and the future of their marriage. With every additional lie or cover-up, the gravity of shame sucks the addict deeper into a black hole with ever lessening chance of escape. To understand this process more, watch the free training on the Cycle of Addiction.

Once discovered, addicts tend to feel some relief, since they no longer have to hide their secret. However, shame still has a stronghold around the embarrassing truths yet to be discovered. This sets up dynamics that often lead to Staggered Disclosure, where pieces of the truth trickle out over time, but never the whole story.

While this IS a form of “involving your spouse,” it does extreme damage to their mind, heart and body, while at the same time lowering the chances of rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship in the future. Each partial disclosure becomes yet another reason for the betrayed spouse to distrust the addict and any future attempts they may make at disclosure.

This is NOT the way to involve your spouse!  So how DO you involve your spouse in a healthy way?

Here's how...

In our premiere course, we recommend pausing disclosure and start working towards Formal Therapeutic Disclosure instead. The goal is to stop undermining the relationship through staggered disclosures and to engage a strategic and professionally guided process of preparing for a full disclosure at a level of detail that has been professionally advised for maximum therapeutic benefit and minimum psychological trauma for both spouses.

Time and again, I have seen this process transform the hearts and minds of both addicts and betrayed in ways neither expected. When fully prepared, they both enter a session where the addict’s full sexual history is disclosed at a level that is honest but not overly detailed.  The betrayed spouse is able to have their high-priority questions answered and ask clarifying questions if needed.

If there is a history of deception, the disclosure is often verified by a polygraph exam. While the use of a polygraph exam is optional, it’s often the single most powerful influence to help an addict lovingly into the light and break the historically unbreakable bonds of shame and secrecy.

Likewise, a well prepared betrayed spouse tends to experience Formal Therapeutic Disclosure as the single most helpful event that enabled them to heal and move forward.

THIS, my dear reader, IS what it looks like to “involving your spouse” in a healthy way. Neither of you feeling at odds, both feeling cared for professionally during preparation and delivery of the truth, both aligned together as allies against the darkness, co-laborers pushing back on shame, a married couple fighting together for your future and the future of your children.

Formal Therapeutic Disclosure isn’t easy! In fact it’s extremely hard work. However, that work pays dividends for the rest of your lives. Without it, couples may survive, but they don't thrive. With it, there is still immense pain, but also genuine hope and a real chance to heal and move forward.

So, bottom line is this… for an addict to fully overcome their addiction, they must risk it all, step into the light and include their spouse by telling the whole truth.  However, the WAY you do so can make or break your marriage... Staggered Disclosure?  Divided therapists?  Or a single therapist using a holistic, integrated and balanced approach to prepare both spouses for an ideally timed Formal Therapeutic Disclosure.

To learn more about the risks and benefits of these various approaches, check out the following:

• 5 Biggest Mistakes - avoid the costly errors couples make after discovering hidden sexual behavior
• Bermuda Pyramid - create a holistic, balanced and integrated approach to marriage recovery

RELATED:

• Is There Hope for Porn Addiction? (Part 1)
• Is There Hope for Porn Addiction? (Part 2)
• Is There Hope for Porn Addiction? (Part 3)