In the first two posts of this series on "Is There Hope for Porn Addiction," I shared the initial way-points needed for a successful journey out of the "woods of addiction."  They were: Define the Goal and You Can't Do It Alone.

In this post, I'll reveal the third way-point, "Only the Best Resources."  Let's dig in!

3. Only the Best Resources

In 1911, two polar expedition teams embarked on a race to be the first ever to reach the South Pole. One team was led by Amundsen of Norway and the other by Scott of England.  In spite of having the same goal, their approach to the journey was quite different and led to dramatically different outcomes.  

Amundsen’s resources and strategy for using them proved to be a winning combination.  All members returned earlier than expected, in good health and even gained weight during the grueling expedition.

In contrast, Scott’s resources and strategy resulted in all five members of the polar party dead on the return journey due to malnutrition, dehydration, vitamin deficiency and frostbite.

Having the right resources and using them wisely meant the difference between success and death.

For those striving to overcome pornography (or sex) addiction, the same principle applies.  While physical death can occur from spiraling addiction, it is more often the marriage that is at risk of death when either the wrong resources are used or the right ones used in the wrong way.

Regardless of delivery method, be it books, articles, podcasts or group workbooks, it is the motive and thinking behind the material that makes it a good or bad resources.

To clarify, let's dive into a few tips about which resources to trust and which to avoid.  This is far from an exhaustive list, but highlights some general principles to keep in mind which will guide you to "Only the Best Resources."

Quick Tips FOR resources that

Best serve All Three Clients

Addict

• Has a strong emphasis on separating Shame from Guilt, Behavior from Identity
• Promotes compassion for brokenness and struggle
• Encourages curiosity about underlying motives for sexual behaviors
• Prioritizes safety of spouse, if married, including a Celibacy Period
• Integrates trauma-informed principles into the recovery approach
• Advocates for mutual, non-judgmental support with other recovering addicts  
• Integrates biblical principles without over-spiritualizing

Betrayed

• Uses a trauma-informed approach to betrayal
• Quickly moves spouse into Survivor thinking and away from Victim thinking
• Imbibe a tone of mutuality in the struggle of life, knowing we all have addictions of some type
• Do not minimize or dismiss the gravity of addiction or impact of betrayal
• Teach assertive honesty without verbal or emotional abuse 
• Integrates biblical principles without over-spiritualizing

System

• Emphasizes personal accountability, regardless of wrongs done by spouse
• Embraces the fact that both spouses have maladaptive patterns that must be addressed
• Integrates awareness of complex systems dynamics
• Prioritizes marriage health over marriage status
• Holds both spouses mutually accountable for the ways they have damaged the marriage system

Quick Tips AGAINST resources that

Serve one client at the expense of the Other Two

Addict

• Promote or support behavior management, white-knuckling, try-harder mentality
• Use shame as a motivator for change
• Emphasize sobriety as the ultimate goal, even more than insight
• Use a religious approach that over-spiritualizes
• Lacks a framework of curiosity about the deeper issues driving addictive behavior 

Betrayed

• Enables victim thinking instead of transition to survivor thinking and choices
• Strives to console the spouse by vilifying the addict
• Avoids challenging the spouse on ways they have contributed to relationship dysfunction
• Uses religion to force submission or forgiveness in ways contrary to the gospel 

System

• Advocate for remaining married at ALL costs
• Promote an imbalanced power dynamic in either direction
• Do not address system dynamics as a very real and present player in the recovery process
• Promote all work to address addiction/betrayal/affair be conducted jointly
• Perceive the marriage dynamics alone to be the main issue in need of correction

As you can tell, there is a LOT to consider when assessing resources.  It can be overwhelming to sift through all the options and false starts come with increasing risks to the system's long-term well-being.

In addition, there are many different perspectives due to humanity's desire to "gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear." 2 Tim 4:3  Learn to navigate them wisely.

To avoid the risk of bad advice or false starts and skip all the guesswork, enroll in our premiere course where the very best resources have been hand-selected for you.  Learn more here:

Marriage Recovery Course

RELATED:

• Is There Hope for Porn Addiction? (Part 1)
• Is There Hope for Porn Addiction? (Part 2)
• Is There Hope for Porn Addiction? (Part 4)