In the first post of this series, I established that there IS indeed HOPE for pornography addiction and that the first way-point on the map out of the woods is to Define the Goal. 

In this post, I'll reveal the second way-point, "You Can't Do It Alone."  Let's dig in!

2. You Can't Do It Alone

"It is not good for man to be alone."
Genesis 2:18

"Woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!"
Ecclesiastes 4:10 

 "Shame & addiction flourish in isolation.
In loving, non-judgmental connection... they wither."
Anonymous

There is absolutely hope to overcome addiction to pornography, but as any seasoned, recovering addict will attest, it simply cannot be done alone.

We were hard-wired for connection, but the shame of addiction leads to isolation, which severs connections.  It is absolutely essential that an addict get into safe community with other addicts who are serious about healing, not just sobriety.

It is only in the safe, confidential, supportive environments of support groups and therapy that a person can truly make significant headway out of addiction and into health.

Time and again clients tell me that it was the

"non-judgmental love and acceptance of fellow group members
that finally broke through shame and secrecy."

While programs and content are needed for structure, it is the power of inter-personal dynamics like vulnerability, honesty and non-sexual intimacy that catalyze some of the deepest changes in the life of an addict.

Johann Hari once said, "The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it is human connection."  And while this statement has been stretched too far by some, I can attest to the role of non-judgmental human connection necessary for recovery.

For those hoping to overcome pornography or sex addiction, there are two specific genres of human connection that must be integrated as way-points on a recovery map.  They are:

1. Support/Recovery Group
2. Professional Counselor

 Let's explore why.

SUPPORT/RECOVERY GROUP

The first genre of human connection necessary for addiction recovery is group.  They may take the form of a 12-Step program, 7-Pillars study or any curriculum specifically addressing pornography/sex addiction.  Bible studies do not count, as they do not address pornography/sex addiction specifically and as such, tend to foster shame and image management over true vulnerability regarding sexual behaviors.

Each program will likely have a different blend of psychology, faith and recovery principles.  It's important to research the approach and curriculum before committing.

1. To what degree is the approach strictly behavior management?
2. How well does it integrate biblical principles?
3. To what degree does it over-spiritualize?
4. To what degree do they avoid spirituality altogether?
5. How much good psychology does it integrate?
6. How trauma-informed is their strategy?

The truth is, not all groups are created equal.  Some are healthy and use a balanced approach that integrates the best from the list above.  Others are unhealthy groups that have devolved into the worst aspects from the list above.  

Similarly, not all leaders are created equal.  Some are healthy and some are unhealthy.  As such, they will set the tone for the overall health and maturity of the group.  As mentioned in the last post, "You cannot lead someone somewhere you've never been."  Leaders who have only ever experienced sobriety, but not understanding or trauma transformation can only offer the strategy of behavior management.  And in the words of AA & SA, "sober is not well."

To give you an idea of the spectrum of health among groups, here's a list starting with the least healthy:

1. Commiseration
2. Accountability
3. Bible study
4. Purity groups
5. Addiction & Betrayal groups

So while being in a (healthy) support/recovery group is an essential way-point on an exit map from pornography or sex addiction, it can also backfire if you end up in an unhealthy group.

For additional training about healthy groups, check out this free resource:

Healthy Groups 101

PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR

The second genre of human connection necessary for addiction recovery is professional counseling.  Finding the right one, however, can be a daunting task with costly mistakes.

Generally speaking, if the only goal is to overcome porn addiction, they it would be ideal to find a counselor with a CSAT or SRT certification.  These are different than run of the mill counselors, since they have specialized training specifically in sexual addictions. 

Some are faith-based, others avoid faith.  Some have only experienced sobriety, while others have done much deeper work.  Some are trauma-informed, others are not.  Some are emotionally healthy, others are far from it.  As before, not all counselors are created equal.  The depth, maturity and breadth of guidance you will receive from an counselor will unfortunately depend on their personal health.

To hear one woman's costly experience in this regard, read her post, "What makes a good counselor? Things I wish I would have known."

If the goal is to not only overcome porn/sex addiction, but also repair the marriage impacted by it, the process becomes more complicated with even higher stakes.

Being trained in porn/sex addiction is NOT the same thing as being trained in marriage recovery.  The complex systems dynamics governing marriage dynamics when betrayal and addiction are present are infinitely more complicated that dealing with a single individual (addict or betrayed) on a single problem alone (pornography/sex addiction or betrayal trauma).

In essence, there are three clients, as opposed to one.  Instead of focusing on the addict alone, marriage recovery requires that the counselor be qualified to serve the

1. Addict/Unfaithful
2. Betrayed Spouse
3. Marriage System

While there are ample counselors capable of serving the addict OR the betrayed spouse... there is a dearth of counselors qualified or willing to serve both at the same time and by implication, the marriage system as well.

It's not uncommon for addiction counselors to pair up with betrayal counselors in attempt to help a couple by serving the one member of the marriage they are trained to help.  While there are certainly benefits to this approach, there are some costly drawbacks as well.

Things become even more complicated if spirituality is to be integrated into the recovery process for one or both spouses.

So while including a professional counselor IS a necessary way-point on your recovery map, doing so is not without risks, especially if the goal is marriage recovery.  To learn how to navigate these risks well, check out this course:  

Bermuda Pyramid:
The Balanced Approach

RELATED:

• Is There Hope for Porn Addiction? (Part 1)
• Is There Hope for Porn Addiction? (Part 3)
• Is There Hope for Porn Addiction? (Part 4)