"If sex is a tool, then I was being USED."

"My eyes were opened to how sex
did not feel safe for most of our marriage."

When couples start the recovery journey to overcome porn addiction or affairs, they have to square off with the underlying motives for they way they both viewed sex in their relationship.

Oftentimes, the work can be painful as both addict and betrayed spouse have their eyes opened to maladaptive ways they chose to use sex in ways God never intended, reducing it into a tool to medicate emotions or obligatory behavior driven by religious demands.

This brave woman shares part of her journey through that process as she realizes just how unsafe sex felt for a majority of their marriage, but how she ignored the warning signs in her body. 

Read more about her story below.  Listen to the full interview by clicking on the link below. 

"During the first few months of recovery and therapy, my husband and I had so many huge realizations about ourselves and our marriage. He began to untangle the insidious truth that he had been using sex (as well as porn and masturbation) as a tool to deal with difficult emotions. Once he shared that with me, I couldn’t look away from the fact that his realization meant I had been used transactionally to help him avoid having to feel hard things.

My body knew the truth of this shocking objectivation before I could admit it to myself. Pre-recovery sex was pretty much all about his orgasm and his pleasure. I felt like in order to be a good wife, I needed to be willing and available, and I repeatedly silenced my body when she told me she didn’t feel safe. These unhealthy ideas about sex thrived in our marriage pre-recovery journey, and they were supported by pastors, Christian books, and our Christian friends.

I had used sex as a tool as well– it could act as an instant conflict silencer. When there was a conflict we couldn’t resolve or a topic I didn’t want to broach, sex would give me an extra night or two of “peace” and “happiness.” We were stuck in such an incredibly unhealthy system and we just couldn’t see a way out.

Learning that my safety matters was revolutionary for me– and it helped me shift from seeing sex as a tool to seeing sex as a mutually delightful experience can happen within a context of a safe, emotionally healthy relationship.

During our several month-long celibacy period, we worked hard to understand what safety felt like. Brick by brick we built a foundation of safety in our marriage. It was slow, incredibly painful work. And it was beautiful to see our marriage go from what felt like a field full of rubble to a structure built on honesty, trust, commitment, faithfulness, and honor."

If you want to hear more about this and other hot topics about addiction, betrayal and recovery, click below to listen to an interview between two couples who experienced radical transformation due to the Marriage Recovery Course.