I wish I could have been with you on D-Day

Recently, Stephanie was preparing for the 2 year anniversary of her D-Day.  As part of her healing process, she chose to write a letter as if to herself two years ago.  She has graciously offered to share it here in hopes that it may encourage you.

Thank you again Stephanie for your courage and vulnerability!

Jeremy Smith, Professional Counselor & Teacher, Marriage Recovery Specialist

Dear D-Day Stephanie,

I wish I could have been with you that moment in December of 2020 when you opened the iPad and saw PornHub in the browser window. You didn’t allow yourself to feel the emotions that flooded you. But you knew your MO of ignoring it and just trying to be the very best wife you could be wouldn’t work this time. Your kids, ages 5 and 8, use that iPad. What would have happened if they had opened it instead of me? All you knew was something had to change. Beloved– things are going to change! 

You are about to start a journey filled with hope and healing, not shame and condemnation. You have internalized so many of the explicit and implicit messages given to Christian women about sex– that it’s your job to satisfy your husband sexually. A big part of you really believes that any failure on his part was ultimately because you didn’t do something you should have or you didn’t do a good enough job. Dear one, you will soon begin to untangle yourself from that and many other soul-murdering lies. 

You and your husband are about to set your marriage on a completely different trajectory. You are currently stuck in the unhealthy cycles of communication that have developed throughout your marriage. You don’t have accurate language for what’s going on or the skills and tools to change. You both have been unwilling to see the reality of his addiction and your co-dependency. You are lacking a foundation of felt safety in our marriage. You haven’t taken time to peel back the layers of effects trauma has had in your lives. Cherished friend, you may not believe this now- but you will celebrate this discovery day because of the change it brings.

Lovely- your voice, body, and experience matter. You deserve to be safe. You will learn what safety feels like, you will experience it, and you will remove yourself from situations and experiences that are not safe. You will start to discover your voice. It is strong and beautiful. 

The road ahead is not easy, but your world is about to open up in a way you never imagined possible. Know this- you are precious, compassionate, sensitive, and fierce. You have so much to learn and your heart and mind are ripe to receive it. The change you deeply desire is coming. 

In gratitude and honor of who you are in this moment,

December 2022 Stephanie