This is the final installment of a four part series on Engaging Anger as a Christian woman, written by guest author, Rachel.  Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.

As a reminder, MRC does not condone the use of anger for verbal or physical abuse.  However, it is one of the many emotions that God has given us for healthy, productive uses.

It is our hope that this series will challenge the religious norms of maladaptive coping strategies commonly found around anger, instead modeling ways that this emotion, neither good nor bad, can be integrated into balanced emotional health.

Feel free to submit questions and responses using the Feedback button at the bottom of this post.

Here's Rachel...  

Engaging Anger in Healthy Ways

What to do when Anger starts talking

Now that you are maybe, possibly considering allowing yourself to feel anger, the question comes up “how does this even work?” We know anger can be dangerous, and I am certainly not advising you to side-swipe your loved ones by walking around angry. (Some situations might call for you to stomp around for a bit, but stomping does not equal processing.)

Our anger is OURS to own, much of it stored from past events and unconnected from present stressors. In order to truly be responsible, we need to learn tools so when we get the signal from anger that something isn’t right, we dig in and work through the deeper issue. So, how do we process anger, especially if it is disconnected to our present circumstances?

I have a couple things that have helped me, and I invite you to put your “anger engaging tools” in the comments below.

Creating the space Anger deserves

Before I get into the practicalities, I want to take a beat to say, I know - it’s hard. It’s really, really scary to get in touch with anger, for all the reasons listed in Post 1 and Post 2. You are about to build new neural pathways to help your brain and body engage with life in a healthier way. This is WORK - so don’t do it alone.

Before I engaged in hard emotional work, I spent weeks and months building up a support network of friends, family, a support group and a therapist. The first time I did anger focused work in support group, it felt like too much, and I couldn’t do most of it. It took years, but now that I’m on the other end, I can say it was worth the effort.

Before you start practicing the tools below, I would highly advise you to create a practice of “making space” for yourself - enlisting your support group to take some responsibilities, like childcare or household chores, to carve space out of your day to feel the feelings. The anger may feel very, very intense to start, and if you’re like me and have an Anger to Shame dynamic duo, it can get overwhelming. Intense or uncomfortable doesn’t mean “bad” (though, to be honest, those physical sensations can make it difficult for me to engage with anger).

This is why making space is so important. I have lain on the basement floor, kicking and screaming into a pillow, as my body released pent up anger. If it feels like you’re suddenly “angry all the time”, you're not doing it wrong. It just means that now that you’ve given anger a voice, it has a lot to say.

Give yourself lots of space, and consider building in a weekly time for some of the following exercises. Invite a therapist into this process, to get guidance from someone caring and experienced as well.

Tools to Engage Anger Responsibly

1. Trigger Awareness Exercise

Trigger Awareness Exercise, mentioned above, comes from Dr. Sherri Keffer’s book Intimate Deception, helps me name the anger and see the wounds underneath. When I mourn this uncovered damage, I move through anger into the lament that is needed for the grieving process (Stage 4 is usually called “depression” - but I like lamentation better) to help me inch towards acceptance. Drew Boa has a FLOSS method that is quite similar. (Note, some people find exercises to unpack triggers too distressing. If your emotions go beyond the point of regulation, ask a therapist how you can return to a safe state, or read Aundi Kolber’s Try Softer or Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score.)

2. Trembling - The Anger Dance

Trembling - aka, the Anger Dance - aka, move your body to signal to anger that it’s time to release. It’s described in this video from the Therapy in a Nutshell channel on YouTube. Start at minute 13, or watch the whole thing; it’s awesome. Just starting to shake or move my body can help it feel as though it has permission to tremble with rage. I start by shaking my legs and arms, then I punch and kick the air, or a pre-assembled group of cushions and pillows. Sometimes it’s even helpful for me to envision fighting off the stressors. This can take 4-5 minutes. Sometimes music helps. If you end up feeling silly, go with it. Maybe your body needs to feel silly before it feels safe enough to get pissed. 

3. Journaling

Anger journaling. Be prepared to break pens. And notebooks. You know what? If you have butcher paper and a set of markers (the local thrift store should have a section of half-used markers), just go to town writing out all you hate and what you are angry for. Shred up the paper with angry rips and tares. Scream as you do this (in a pillow, if you have kids watching TV as part of your carved out space).

4. Meet and Greet

Meet and greet (taken from Internal Family Systems theory). Meet your angry part and see how it has been protecting your wounds. This took time for me, and I needed help from a therapist training me in Internal Family Systems meditations to meet and accept all the parts of myself. When I saw what my anger looked like, and what it was protecting (I had the image of a dragon guarding a precious hoard, filled with fragile objects), I was able to feel grateful for what anger did for me. This was huge in helping me accept and process anger in a healthy way. Sometimes this is also called “concretizing emotions.”

5. Mindfulness

Mindfulness (one of the practices taken from Try Softer). If it just seems like TOO MUCH to engage with your anger, you only need to practice being mindful of it. Sit or stand in a calm room or space, and start breathing, in and out, noticing what it feels like for the air to come through your nose or mouth, and into your chest. Think about what you feel angry about, then breathe out and in, feeling the contraction and expansion of your chest. If other bodily sensations come up, notice them, and breathe in, feeling the air enter your body. Just a minute or two is a great start.

If you’re like me, it might take a lot of practice to engage anger in a healthy way. It wasn’t perfect, and isn’t often pretty (which is why I needed some space, to make sure I could engage with anger in a safe way), but it’s needed for healthy living. Engaging with anger has so many healthy benefits, but it might take you a while to believe me on this. Take it slow, give yourself a lot of time, and know that this is an area where it’s really, really helpful to have people come alongside you in this journey.

So, what has helped you give yourself permission to feel anger? What tools do you use to process it?  Let us know by clicking on the feedback link below.

Also, if you're interested in having Rachel speak during a webinar, let us know via the Feedback link below... and include some questions you'd like her to address as well.

Rachel is a writer and educator, and has often been labeled a “force to be reckoned with”. She started recovery work after D-Day in the summer of 2019.

RELATED:

Engaging Anger - Part 1: Avoidant
Engaging Anger - Part 2: Accepting
Engaging Anger - Part 3: Responsive
Engaging Anger - Podcast Episode