"Is it BAD that I feel this way?  I mean, I hate feeling ________!  I've always been told that I shouldn't feel that way and if I do... there must be something wrong with me."

This is a sentiment all too common among my clients.  Whether being taught by parents or a religious system, there are often certain emotions that get labeled as "Bad" while others are labeled as "Good."  This kind of simplistic, black and white thinking breeds shallow understanding of the self and condemnation for one's own God-given blessings of emotions.  

The truth is...

Emotions are neither good nor bad;
they just are.

However,

What you DO with them can be.

The most common emotion that gets a bad wrap is Anger.  When handled poorly, it can be an incredibly "destructive emotion."

Notice the quotes; that's intentional.  The reason is that Anger is simply an emotion, neither good nor bad... it just IS.  What a person DOES with their anger can be destructive to self and others.  However, the emotion itself is NOT destructive.

This is an extremely important distinction to make.  Without the separation of emotion from behavior, negative emotions (the ones that feel bad) will be condemned as bad, which simply is not true.

Anger is our limbic systems way of getting our attention quickly.  It's like a "check engine light"  (secondary issue) to tell us that something under the hood is not quite right (primary issue).  On an emotional plane, that means there are secondary emotions, like anger, that tell us there are deeper emotions that needs attention, primary emotions.

If we resist exploring primary emotions, we are left with pure anger and nowhere to go with it.   Instead of peeling back the layers to understand our hearts better, we tend to shame ourselves for having felt anger in the first place.  This process of stuffing and shaming a "bad emotion" is what often leads to explosive anger, kind of like an engine explodes when a driver ignores the check engine light.

The truth is, all emotions, anger included, are gifts from God, hardwired into our minds, hearts and souls to help us navigate being HUMAN.

A wiser approach would be to embrace curiosity about all emotions, especially the secondary ones like anger, and take time to grow in emotional literacy, self-awareness and non-judgmental kindness.  Instead condemning our "bad emotions," we can use them as a check-engine light, which beckons us to "check under our (emotional) hoods" to discover the parts of us needing care and attention.

I hope that you will take some time to reflect on this concept, show yourself kindness and curiosity as you begin to explore "Under the Anger" to identify what your primary emotions may be.

RELATED:

Grief can be one of the most difficult emotions to navigate.  We offer a revolutionary course to make the process easier, more tangible and less overwhelming.  See how it's helped countless others:

The Grief Grid