Celibacy Period: Why?

For addicts, sex is a tool to soothe uncomfortable emotions.  And as we shared before, emotions themselves are neither good nor bad, but what you do with them can be.  In the case of sex addiction, sex is no longer a form of intimacy or bonding, but a means to a selfish end, using one's spouse as a tool or an object.  It's the difference between

Object Sex vs Relational Sex

The addicted brain is incapable of seeing sex as the outflow of relational intimacy.  Instead, it sees sex as a pacifier for emotional discomfort and views the spouse as an object to be used for self-medication.  When the addict brain is in charge, a spouse is no longer seen as a human being, but rather dehumanized to a mere sex toy.

This is Object Sex... and these are the neural pathways that must be broken and starved for addicts and couples to mature into Relational Sex.

At the end of the 90 day contract, a majority of my clients actually chose to continue their celibacy period voluntarily!  Why?  It revealed just how distorted their thinking was regarding sex and how much they needed to grow in relational intimacy before attempting sexual contact again.  They wanted more time to develop healthy, NON-SEXUAL patterns of soothing and bonding.

They really GOT IT!  They began to focus on the emotional and psychological dysfunction that had been present for their whole marriage, but MASKED by sexual intercourses.  Their eyes were finally opened and  they were done having object sex!  

Most couples do eventually reintroduce sexual contact, but as they do so with a very different mindset, one that views sex as an outflow of the safety and connection they already experience in their relationship.  Sex becomes a joyous fruit of the labor of building relationship intimacy.  They no longer look to sex to solve their problems, it's the celebration of having already dealt with relationship issues in non-sexual ways.

They learned healthy self-soothing techniques and put aside maladaptive uses of sex to soothe. Their communication skills were so improved that the topic of sex was no longer controversial, but instead, just one more in a long line of issues that they are now fully equipped to navigate with emotional health and relational safety.

A well executed Celibacy Period is an amazing gift!

If you'd like to experience this gift in your marriage, have a look at our premiere course. 

RELATED:

Part 1 - Celibacy Period: What is it?
Part 3 - Celibacy Period: Benefits 
Part 4 - Results for Him
Part 5 - Results for Her